Desperately demotivated

I do not know but I’ve been feeling very demotivated today. I’ve been on bed for 3 days, and now it’s the fourth day which counting on.

There are hell lots of things I could and should do. I should start reading lecture notes so that I can catch up after skipping class for so many weeks. I could read books which I bought long time ago which still leaving untouched. I could surf the internet all day long like what I normally do. I could even watch movie and drama in lappy.

But at the end, I didn’t do any of it. I’ve been doing all these on the past 3 days. Frankly my improvement is slow. Still my right angle is swollen, cant move. And my right thigh, it’s not pain but it can’t move as well. What I been doing this few days is just waking up from sleep, telling myself to be strong, to accept the fact and I shall get well soon.

But at this particular moment I feel like I am lying to myself. I am not going to get well SOON. It takes at least 6 weeks for the bones to grow back. Within this period I cant walk AT ALL. Basically it means MY FEET CANT TOUCH THE GROUND or else the surgery I done would be wasted. My bones will be fractured again.

I keep convincing myself that I shall be good soon, very soon. That I would be able to go to school again. That I can hang out with friends, laughing and smiling again. That I CAN BE THE SUNSHINE AGAIN.

But please, it’s all beautified bubbles. All these wonderful images burst when I look at my legs. Oh gosh, I know I am going to survive through it but what type of process that I need to go through?

I am literally paralysed. I cant do most of the daily chores. I cant poo on my own. Not even pee. Now what frightening me the most is the thought that my period might be coming on time. Seriously, I have no idea.

Oh well, I don’t feel any better after writing this. No one knows how suffering it is except me. No one could help me except myself.

I AM GOOD.